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Communication: "I" Messages

An honest answer is the sign of a good friendship. Proverbs 24:26 NLV

older couple close up Being honest in a relationship builds trust and benefits both parties. Communicating information to the other person about your feelings, thoughts and desires is essential for healthy communication. Receiving information about how you are affecting the other person is essential to know how to be a better spouse, friend, daughter, son, sister, etc.

It is easy to express ourselves in a way that puts others on the defensive and ends in dysfunctional communication. When we hear statements that start with "you," we naturally become defensive, even if what comes after is not negative. We just hear the "You. To prevent that, it is helpful to use "I messages" that show you are expressing your perspective, not judging the other person's. Use the guideling below to help increase the chance of an effective interchange.

Which would you rather hear? This: "You need to stop. You are getting sick." OR THIS:

I MESSAGES

SAY WHAT DATA YOU ARE USING. Be specific and concrete about what information you are responding to (see, hear, smell, feel-physical touch, taste). That gives the person clear information and keeps you from making judgmental statements.

I hear you coughing a lot.

EXPRESS YOUR FEELING(S). Clarify your feeling(s). This is where you extend your heart to the other person.Keep it simple and use the core feelings (sad, mad, glad, ashamed, afraid, hurt). That ensures it it is from the heart. Check to see if it isn't really a thought statement. If you can put "that" after the feeling word, it is a thought ("I feel that you are tired"). Take care not to overwhelm the other person with a gush of emotion.

I am afraid you are getting sick.

EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHT(S). Clarify what you are thinking. Keep it simple and use words that ensure it is a thought (think, wondering, suppose, conclude). Take care not to use the word "feel." Also take care not to make judgmental statements ("I think you are a jerk").

I think you are working too hard.

SAY WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAPPEN. Focus on what will be best for the situation and the relationship. What's best for them will be best for you.

I would like you to get some rest.

SAY WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO. What action are you willing to take to make the desired outcome happen. Take care to make sure you are able to follow through and you are not trying to manipulate the other person.

I'll finish mowing the lawn so you can lie down.

MORE I MESSAGES.

I see you roll your eyes when I said that.
I feel hurt and angry.
I think you are mocking me.
I would like you to stop doing it.
I'll do the same for you.

I see your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor
I am angry.
I think you didn't listen when I asked you to put them in the hamper.
I would like you to respect my request. It makes less work for me.
I'll take the hamper to the laundry room.

I see you losing weight.
I am happy for you.
I think you look great.
I would like to know how you did it.
I'll support you all the way.

I touched your dirty shoes.
I am afraid I will get sick from them.
I think they are full of germs.
I would like you to keep them outside.
I'll get some disinfectant spray for you..

AVOID "YOU" STATEMENTS.

You need to...; You should...; You didn't...; You never ...; You always...

In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery. Proverbs 28:23 NLV
25 Therefore, putting away lying, Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:25-27

SUBMIT YOUR TESTIMONY
PHYSICIAN OF FAITH
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; Proverbs 3:5